The Daily Beast, operating under the amusing delusion that chocolate candy has the same nutritional cache as—oh, I don’t know…carrot sticks, perhaps—has compiled a list of the 40 most popular candies and ranked them from “worst-to-first,” based, according to the Beast, “on their percentage from the median in calories, saturated fat, carbohydrates, and sugar, with each of those four criteria weighed evenly.”
Twix bars hit the top spot at Number One, thereby earning them the sobriquet of “The Candy Bar of Death.” I could tell you that I would never even dream of devouring a Twix bar…but then again, I could also tell you that I’m drop-dead handsome and wealthy beyond anyone’s imagination. Not only do I indulge in a Twix on just about any occasion, but I do it in the form of a Twix ice cream bar, which I’m certain is just reckless gambling with my life at this point. I ask not for pity, but only that in the event I should shuffle off this mortal coil before my time you not laugh and point behind my back and crack: “Well, it was all those goddamn Twix bars.”
About two weeks ago, Mater and I made a Publix run and because they always sell the candy at this time of year at a BOGO deal, she and I both picked up bags of Kit Kat miniatures (#21) and Reese’s peanut butter cups (#32) to give out to the Trick or Treaters this weekend. I had promised myself that the candy would be for the children only and that any left over I could claim for France and well, I guess you know how this turns out—two days after the purchase, I had already sampled some of the confectionaries from both bags…which meant I had to buy a third backup bag just to be on the safe side. (I didn’t eat all the Kit Kats and Reeses—I just wanted to make sure I had plenty in case the little mooks soap my windows if I had nothing to hand out.)
The bag I bought contained an assortment of Nestle’s Fun Size bars—Baby Ruth (#3), Butterfinger (#6), Nestle’s Crunch (#16) and my personal favorite, 100 Grand. (They’re at #29 on the Beast tally, which makes them practically a diet candy bar.) But in doing a random count of the candy in the bag, I discovered that there were less 100 Grand bars than the other three, something I can only attest to rank candy prejudice.
Oh, well. York Peppermint Patties are ranked last, which means they’re the “healthiest” on the list.