Stuff You Should Know

Thrilling Days of Convalescence (Part 2 in a series)


I know—two posts in two days…who’d-a thunk? (I must have more energy than I thought.)

So I’m in my room at the hospital and the attending nurse is assigning me a bunch of meds that consist of potassium pills that are so gi-normous I halfway expect to leap out of bed and do 1:15 around the track (they give these to elderly people, by the way—I don’t know how they manage to swallow them, they’re so huge) when this other nurse walks into the room. She works at the hospital, though she’s not on duty right now, but she takes one look at me and practically swoons. “I remember when they brought you in here—my God, you look tremendous!

I should point out here that I have never been described in my entire lifetime as looking “tremendous” but I decided to take the compliment as it came. The attending nurse then decides to burst the bubble by telling her colleague that she’s thinking of someone else who was in this room.

The visiting nurse takes a beat, and then remarks: “Well, when I see that other patient I still think he won’t look half-as-good as you…”

Just an attempt to add a little levity to all this somber hospital talk, by the way. My family tells me I was nothing but one laugh after another when they brought me in because my electrolytes were so out of whack. Apparently I threatened to drown my sister Kat at one point if she didn’t stop trying to stop me from pulling the IV out of my arm (I had convinced myself that I had some used coffee grounds in my pocket)—which would have been quite a feat, since she has almost as many lifesaving badges/citations/awards as Tom Sutpen has seen movies.

The funniest incident involves my sister-in-law, who came by the hospital to see me but unfortunately walked into the wrong room. Without breaking stride, she started fluffing the patient’s pillow and started a spiel about welcoming her to the hospital and hoping she enjoyed her stay.

(Okay—I exaggerated on the pillow-fluffing part. But she really did shift into Welcome Wagon-mode.)

Still no news re: surgery status—my mother called the surgeon’s office yesterday but they’ve yet to call her back. In the meantime, I thought I would provoke a little discussion by asking this question?

“What beverage would you recommend that I can drink on a regular basis without fear of it seriously threatening my health? (excepting the usual suspects, like water)”

I’ve pretty much sworn off all and any sugary soda/pop/soft drinks with the exception of a few items: Fresca and Sprite Zero (Mom adds just a touch of cranberry juice to give this a little kick.) I’ve tried the Fanta Zero but it tastes like water with orange food coloring. I also drink a little Crystal Light from time to time—it’s a shame they stopped selling it in the pre-mixed bottles. If anyone has any suggestions as to any type of refreshment that I might be missing out on, feel free to use the comments section for your own nefarious purposes.

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